Well it's been so long since I've posted but I feel like everything I wrote is still exactly the same. Nothing has changed on the guy front. I tried messaging Jake but I didn't get a reply. REAL SHOCKER THERE. I don't think he will ever talk to me again. Saying that makes me want to cry.
When it's time to go to bed I always have these fantasies like back when I was obsessed with twilight it was that I met Taylor Lautner and he liked me. Now it's all about Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds. I haven't decided if I want Spencer or the actor Matthew Gray Gubbler. I'd call him gubby. That's in my fantasy. The problem is, I meet him he likes me then I think to myself oh I have the guy I want most in the whole world! ... ... ... then its like a huge red flag ruin my dream JAKE. Not the guy I wanted most..... Jake is that guy. Like I could have Matthew gray Gubbler and I think I would still pick Jake. I have even fantasize that an amazing guy likes me because Jake always comes in and ruins it by existing. Ugh... why can't I just have Jake? It would solve all my problems. I would be happy
I know it's been like over a month since I posted. I wanted to keep up with my blog I've been too lazy to express my feelings. So lets catch up shall we? First things first, I don't talk to Sabi anymore. He was WAY too much WAY too soon.
My family and I are going on vacation to Florida. I told him that when I found out. He asked me where I'd want to go on 'our vacation after wedding'. He was talking about our honeymoon. I told him the night before that that he needed to slow down. I made sure that that is what he meant by it, and it was. He was thinking about where we would go. We don't even speak the same language. It was just BAD so I ended it.
So yes, you may have guessed it, I'm back to dreaming about Jake not that I ever stopped. He still hasn't replied to me. I should give up.... it's been like 3 months since my last hey. I'm trying to like other people... I am... Here's the problem, I'll be interested in someone, right? Think about them, even obsess a little, then I fall asleep and guess who is in my dream? Jake. Once I actually had a dream that I went to the mall with Sabi and saw Jake there. He was with a girl and she kissed him and I beat the crap out of her. He still picked her over me. I woke up sad.
I've been taking more prozac (depression med) to try and cheer me up. It's not working. I don't know why I'm so stuck. I'm waiting for some guy to come along and save me from it but it's not happening.
I have a few cute guys around me, that's not the problem. They are good ones too. Smart guys. There's the boy in my class. I say 'the boy in my class' because he's the only boy in my class. His name is Danny. He's really cute and he's doing surgical technology like I want to but he's already in the OR. He's really smart and gets good grades. There's a woman in my class that's so trying to play match maker with us but I get mixed signals from him. Sometimes he talks to me a lot and other times he acts like he doesn't want to hold the convo. Tonight I had to leave class early so I asked that woman to text or email me anything I miss. I wrote down my number and email for her. She goes, "I'm not good with taking notes, hmm who's a good note taker... (everyone else left the room, it was just the three of us), oh I know, he's really smart!" she hands him the paper... he was like "oookkkk......" So lets see if he texts me.
Another option is this new guy in my hall named Chris. He's one of my cousin Myle's friends. He's in the Chinese congregation, but they aren't large enough to have their own meetings so they come to ours. He's really nice too. I totally introduced myself all fearlessly. Well sort of, I was pretty much high on adrenaline and anxiety to the point where I don't remember much. But he did smile at me once since then and he said hi when I walked by while he was in the middle of a convo with someone else. That counts for something right?
We also have Brandon. He's on the young side and not really my type but he should be. He's sweet and has a lot of privileges. He's the youngest person I've ever seen give a prayer at a meeting. I don't know though, I'm not feeling it as much as the others.
There's also a Jake in my hall. Jake B we will say. He's really really cute, totally my type and pretty great. Also one of Myle's friends. The problem? My aunt says he's got a girlfriend and they are serious. I saw her at an assembly, I'm not impressed. She's not that pretty. But maybe she's nice? Okay, I'm being a bitch. I'm not that pretty either, but still.. I know how to dress.... okay still being a bitch. I'm just going to stop talking about her now. Anyway, he works at game stop and he's into scifi stuff. He gets checks all over the list. I just haven't talked to him in awhile.
And then it's back to Jake. My Jake. That's the only way for me to classify him. I know he's not mine, never was and probably never will be. I like to pretend though. The idea of hope makes me not want to cry.
My therapist says I use avoidance too much as a skill to cope with my problems. She says I need to stop smiling and just saying I'm good all the time and not thinking about upsetting things. I think Jake is the biggest thing I'm avoiding. I don't want to face the fact that it's over. Shoot me, please.
So I came here originally to talk about my class and stuff but then I get this message from sabi about helping him with his ex, she dumped him on the jan 23 a few year back. She got married a few months ago. I cheered him up a few months ago when she got married, so he thought maybe I could do the same now,
(I started this last night just fyi but didn't finish)
anyway I told him I didn't really know what more I could say. He just said forget it, can I tell you something? So I said sure anything. He goes, I like you and you were right. I say, Right about what? He says "I was think about you like me?" that's the way he talks... so I said "so I was right you do like me in a romantic way." he said "Uh yes". I ask, " is that what your saying?" He says " Yes I feel little fall in love for you?" so I ask, "You are falling a little?" he says "Yes so it's okay?" I said "Yes we are just going to have to be very clear when we communicate." I don't know if I've mentioned it but we tend to NOT make sense to each other and end up not knowing how the other one feels mainly on my end. He says "yes so its okay?" I say "It's okay with me if you want to come back to getting to know me with a future love in mind." Let me remind you readers, I'm still thinking about Jake. Then he told me he's not baptized yet and wants to wait for that so he said "maybe this summer" which is pretty good in his case because Jake can't even talk to me until the summer. But then he asked me to promise I won't hurt him like his ex. That's one of those things that you can never really promise because you don't know how things are going to go in the future but I won't cheat on him which is what it sounded like she did. I promised but I feel bad about it.
That's when I fell asleep and I woke up and posted this today.
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Let me just get you all up to date, (pretending that there are actually people who read this helps me), Sabi was NOT trying to get rid of me. He was afraid he was going to fall for me so he was trying to stay away. He failed. After 6 months or so I stopped being shy and basically told him ok, you look like Taylor Laughtner, he's officially one of the hottest guys on earth, you can stop sending me pictures of yourself and asking me if I like them. I do, and that's why I have a ton of team Jacob shirts, puzzles and a blanket. Like, ok I wouldn't wear a face on my boobs that looks like you if I didn't like it. Shortly after that he admitted that he liked me and that he was very afraid of getting hurt. The last girl he dated really broke his heart. She just got married a few months ago. I told him I wouldn't hurt him but I felt kind of bad because it's hard to say that when you know there's someone else you like more. It's like, yes I like Sabi. He's so sweet and wonderful. But does that mean I can throw away the charm for my bracelet that I got when I was with Jake that says "I <3 Jacob" or the shirt he got me? No... still can't seem to throw them away. How can I say I won't hurt him if I know part of me is somewhere else? It didn't end up mattering because a few days later he like totally flipped he said we are just friends, he has other things he wants to do. He also said "I'm deaf, your hearing, I'm 20, your 22" as if that like, mattered in a relationship, because to me it didn't, I was already planning on learning ASL for him.. and um... 2 years difference? Really? That's a problem? Like... ooookkkkkkk..... I guess my mom is doooommed because her and Dan, who have a very great relationship, are 10 years apart.
Anyway, in other news, I doubt with the elders and with all the crap I had to deal with. I lost my privileges in the congregation, but I should be getting them back soon. I made a new friend, Christina. She's really nice. I still don't know what's gonna come from that friendship, I've only hung out with her once. She seems really laid back and I'm very like, in your face.
I really hate being here so alone. I feel like there's no one to back me up socially. I need someone that I can have that snap with where I know as long as they are there I know it won't be awkward.
I've been trying not to obsess about Jake too much lately. It's hard though because he keeps popping up in my dreams. I did try to contact him again last week and yesterday he finally replied, for the first time in 2 years I got something back from him. I'm hoping it leads to clarity but I'm terrified. The truth is I love him and I've been holding on this whole time to little bits and pieces of hope that he left me and it's more likely that it's over and he moved on and he just want's to be friends. I know that. Allison, my therapist is pretty much positive I'm setting myself up for a disaster. She said that he probably didn't give me an answer because he didn't want to hurt my feelings 2 years ago, and the fact that he's avoiding it again probably means the same.
I just can't accept that. I'm tearing myself apart again just like she said. But what other choice do I have? It's not like I haven't tried to move on... Jason...Chris.. Alex... Sabi... but in my mind it was more like Jake.....Jason..Jake..Chris...Jake..Alex..Jake....Sabi...Jake clearly it hasn't worked to well. I'm probably just insane and I really need to just become heartless or something. I'm beginning to wish I got my father's trait of being a sociopath. To have no emotion would be great right about now. Then I wouldn't be up at 1:45am writing about my heart breaks I could sleep. Or maybe I wouldn't be able to sleep, I think not sleeping is a symptom of being sociopathic.
Every time I try to think about it or explain it personally like here or when I pray, I feel like I'm in a morgue and someone has started an autopsy on me. My skin and muscle pealed back, sternum removed, pericardium removed, and completely open heart (I just finished my anatomy and phisiology class, I got a B-). I feel like I need to cover myself, like I'm naked in front of a crowd and I definitely don't want that right now, I'm out of shape. Can I just curl up in a ball in the corner with the shirt he gave me and cry forever?
I texted him again tonight even thought I swore I wouldn't. I was going to describe the convo but it's better if I just give you the whole thing as it happened.
Me: Joey came over for dinner and he was telling us about when you guys went to the keys
Sabi: why? i didnt know about it?
- im assuming he meant the fact that he came over-
Me: He was just talking about your mom, we like her :)
Sabi: oh ok
Me: What are you up to?
Sabi: watch movie captain america
Me: good movie.
Me: Well sorry to bother you I just thought it was funny.
Sabi: its okay but last night you told me text sometime?
Me: Yeah I don't want to be pushy. I have a tendance to be a little too much.
Sabi: oh okay
Me: What did you think?
you dont have to answer that if you dont want to
Sabi: um i dont know?
i didnt know i did nothing?
Me: lol nevermind
Me: I have my team Jacob sweatshirt on with taylor laughtner on it, is that creepy?
Sabi: oh please! come on adrianna!
Sabi: you are funny! about like taylor to me!
Me: I didn't know you looked like him until Karen told me a few months ago. I'd been team Jacob since New Moon.
And for the record she was mean she showed me your pic told me you had a phone then told me I couldn't have your number.
Sabi: ok really?
Sabi: ok well
Me: how's the movie?
Sabi: good movie soon finish ;)
Me: One of my favorite tv shows is coming on at 9 I can't wait its about aliens
Sabi: oh i never sound about it
Me: yeah its pretty real just one day everything changed and it want into war when the aliens attacked but look like they would in the great tribulation.
- reading that now i kinda understand why what happened next happened -
Sabi: oh cool
Me: Kinda makes us think of things to put in our survival backpacks different little things they use to make things better
Me: Like pepper. its a small thing but it makes everything taste better.
Sabi: haha. are you a funny girl. so talk later ok goodnight ;)
Me: Going to bed so early or just don't wanna talk?
Sabi: hahaha no i love late sleep!
Me: so your not going to dkeep
Sabi: no no its okay but can still talk ok?
Me: well you said goodnight so i assuming you didnt want to talk anymore.
Sabi: no never mind. are you sure? you ok?
Me: No I'm fine Lol, just trying to understand.
Sabi:oh its ok...im a little depressed and bad mood dont worry about you. maybe it was had a little problem
Me: Oh maybe I can help what's wrong?
- Im thinking he is having a problem with his girlfriend or something -
Sabi: my best friend was fight with me last on sunday but we are fine now.
Me: I assumed it would be girl problems.
Sabi: you did?
Sabi: you did fight with your friend?
Me: I havent had a fight with a friend in a long time.
Me: I havent really made any friends here. I had a really dumb fight with my friend Josh over Taylor Swift. lasted a week.
Sabi: oh im so sorry :(
Me: It was a year ago. what was your fight about?
Sabi: so long story! i was stupid!
Me: more stupid than getting mad at someone for being friends with someone who played a prank on you about a celebrity you hate?
Sabi: I think so it was not.
Me: So what time do you usually go to bed?
Sabi: about 11pm or 12pm
Me: oh I see, Are you going to watch another movie?
Sabi: oh no Im watch on tv
Me: what are you watching?
Sabi: family guy
Me: i see. not my kinda show.
Sabi: lol im sorry im little tired talk later?
Me: ok text me
Sabi: ok goodnight ;)
Me: Goodnight, text me tomorrow?
Sabi: oh no i cant im busy sorry so please sometimes text ok?
Me: Well just text me next time your not busy and you want to talk
Sabi: ok I'll see ok? good night :)
Me: Ok, I'm gonna let you text me next time :p goodnight
Sabi: thank you. goodnight
So the question is, is he trying to get rid of me? I broke up with Alex last night. I decided I'd rather have someone like Sabi or Jake and it's not fair to Alex. I told him it was because of my religion, but really it has more to do with these other guys, I think.
But that's not even the worst part. I didn't know what to do about Sabi, so I asked ALEX for advice! Well I told him my friend Amanda texted me for advice about a guy she met, and I pretended it was her story not mine. Alex said he thinks Sabi has a girlfriend. So I'm going to ask him next time he talks to me. I'm just so scared to do anything. I know it would be so hard to be with him. I will do it though, it's just a matter of getting him to like me and give me a chance. I don't know what it is that I like about him so much.
He was the first guy that ever hugged me. First guy that ever held my hand. I don't even think he remembers those things. He was the first guy that said I was beautiful. I want to ask him what he remembers about that camping trip.
But first I need to know if he has a girlfriend. Thats the most important thing.
I think I've mentioned him before. Sabi is a friend of my aunt Karen's. When I was 14 they invited me to go camping and he was there. He liked me right away but I didn't know what to do. Literally because he's deaf and I don't know sign language. Well years later I started hanging out with my aunt again and she found out I was team Jacob from Twilight... guess who grew up to look JUST like Taylor Laughtner? Sabi. Guess who had a cell phone with unlimited texting? Sabi. Guess who she wouldn't give his number to? This girl. After about a year later I gave up on the hope of ever getting it.
A man died that my step dad, Dan, knew. The man was in my religious congregation, but Dan works at a VA hospital and saw him there. The man was so happy to see Dan that he said hi every time he saw Dan at the hall. Well the man died from cancer and I said I'd go to the public talk for him. The problem was I stayed up really really late last night and I was too tired to go. The plan was to go look at phones after but Dan wanted to come home and change first so I was going to go back to sleep and just go when they did the phones but at the last minute Dan decided to go right from the hall, so I got ready quick and went with them. When we got there we sat in the back and I realized the man in front of us was signing to his son. Sabi was there. A very long story very short, I told his mom I wanted his number, she told me to ask him, I told her I didn't know how and she told me how to say number, he said yes so I handed him my phone and he put it in.
I talked to him a little tonight. He was really short at first. I think he was just shy. Towards the end of the convo he started sending smilies, winking ones to be exact. I'm getting the feeling he's interested. I'm going to have to learn sign language though. I'd do it for him though, I would.
So I met someone named Alex who is a very very nice guy. He will do anything I ask him to, and he's always there for me. The only problem is he's not Jake. I know it's been such a long time since I've even seen Jake but I still think about him all the time. The best way I can describe how I'm feeling about him is the song "haunted" by taylor swift. That's exactly how I feel. Especially the line where she says "something keeps me holding on to nothing". But here's the thing, I know Jake is turning 18 in the next few months and the last time we had a conversation about this he said he was going to wait until he was 18 to date anyone. Part of me is still thinking that maybe he will call me, maybe he will email me.
Someone has been calling my number. It says unavailable, but I answered it the other day and it was a guy, he just said "hello?" then hung up. I thought maybe it was a wrong number but I've gotten calls almost every day since from an unavailable number around the same time each day. The voice sounded like it could be Jason, but I think he would text me not call me. The only other guy I can think of that would call then chicken out and hang up is Jake. It's been so long I don't know if I'd recognize his voice anymore.
I don't want to hurt Alex I really don't but if Jake came around I'd pick him hands down. I thought about ending it with Alex because it's not entirely fair but I also think that if Jake is done, if it's not going to happen I need to move on and Alex is a great guy and it could work, but he's #2 in my heart. Well I don't even know that he's in my heart at all. I'm trying so hard to fall for him, I really am but it's just not 100% there. I really don't know what to do. I could talk to him about it but I don't even know what I'd say.
I've never really felt like this about a guy before. I really can't seem to let Jake go. I don't even know why I love him like I do. I'd do just about anything to get him to talk to me again. To get him to come back to me. Why did I blow him off that one time he came to talk to me? I had to know that I really wanted Jake not Jason. I hate myself for that. Everything that's happened has been my fault. There's nothing I can say. I can't say anything bad about Jake, he treated me wonderfully.
Even though I have Alex and he's my boyfriend I still feel all alone. I don't know why I can't just be happy with what I have. I'm just not. I'm just not...
So today I randomly decided to text Jason. He totally wants me back. I don't know if it's genuine but I kind of don't really care. I just don't want to be alone and he's fun to talk to. He told me he still loves me but he was hurt recently and he's afraid to commit. I don't know what I'm doing but I like the way he made me feel before and I'm thinking it might be good practice for relationships and jealousy issues. I know it's awful but he's my rebound. He's almost 18 and he has a job at least. He also thinks I'm way out of his league. I don't know, I kinda like him. He has an amazing body too. Maybe he can encourage me to get into shape. I really want a nice body but I have such a hard time working out. I use to love it but I didn't really see results so I stopped. I loved feeling the pain the next day though. I guess I just need to get back doing that. I'm eating better. The sleep pill I was on made me gain weight, now I lowered the dose but I haven't gotten tired yet. I just generally want to be better. I want to feel confidant and I'm not in this body. I feel fat. I won't wear half my cloths because I don't look good in them. I want to show off my body not hide it. I'm trying to think of ways to motivate myself. It's just not working for me.
I'm playing world of warcraft again, and that's also not helping the working out situation. I am really enjoying being back even though it's hard. I'm playing catch-up gear wise.
It's been a long time since I've posted anything. Long story very short, I'm single, I'm going to my father's wedding and I'm going to destroy it. Maybe I've been watching too much Revenge, but I'm obsessed with it. I want to be Emily and I am going to try. I do have some plans, and I'm hoping it will work. I've been practicing sneaky tactics recently. As horrible as it is to say, I've been stealing from stores. I do feel guilty but I feel I needed to to know that I'm capable. I can't get caught till the very very end. I have some ideas but I'm concerned they won't be strong enough. Making everyone at the shower sick is good but not amazing. I need something more. I am framing Renae for everything because she turned on me too. I'll put the wrappers in her purse. I am going to try to take Kellie's phone and cancel everything I can, the caterer, the florist, everything, then I'm going to put her phone in Renae's purse or near her stuff.
I know it's been a long time since I've posted and I'm not entirely sure why. I guess I didn't have much to talk about? Well right now my mind is going wild so I just have to get it all out.
Yesterday I spent the day with Chris and the night with my father and his fiance Kelly. I actually had a really good day. Well a freakin amazing day and a nice night. I think Chris has some sort of spell over me. I hate admitting this, I really do. It's embarrassing but I can't really so much about it. I'm helpless. I'm just sitting here biting my lip, my mind is racing and the only thing I can think of to say is I have to see him again as soon as possible. It's kinda hard to have a conversation when my mind is on one thing. I don't know how you men do it. I definitely have a new appreciation, I can say that much.
I don't want to be home. At the moment I don't want to be anywhere but with him in his room. I don't know what's gotten into me. I could just scream right now.
It's funny because I almost didn't go yesterday. I was feeling like, whatever and I wasn't super enthused about the relationship. I mean I was so guarded and it was very hard for me to trust or open up or be myself. Let me just say that's getting a bit easier. I am showing a little more of my personality. I'm not as shy and I know it will get better and better and I don't want to wait until I get to see him again, whenever that may be. I want him now. I'm not use to not getting what I want. I don't like it.
My lack of self control is making me want to just grab the keys to my car and drive to his house without my permit or license. I just want to. And the fact that I can't is the most frustrating thing in the world to me right now. I feel like every day is wasted time. I mean I guess its good because of how emotional I am, he's definitely behind me on that, maybe this time will keep me from going all out. I just don't want to be this like in between relationship thing. I want something real. I want it reallllllly bad, and I want it with him. I don't know how to find another way to say it.
I'm just thinking, like, I'm amazing, how does he not love me yet? I mean, come on, every guy loves me by now. I hate to sound conceited but ... look at me lol. It makes me worried, like he's just not that into me. He says he takes things slllloooowwwww. But I'm awesome, what more is there to it? This is very annoying. I am feeling less awesome. He's not impressed. This is very different. I miss hearing, OMG I'm soo lucky to have you as my girlfriend, and such. I guess it's because I've never really had a mature relationship but I miss having someone texting me all the time telling me how amazing I am. Maybe I'm not that amazing.
I haven't posted in awhile, I know. I've been unsure of my feelings lately. Nothing really makes sense to me. I started cutting again. It's addicting. I've also been over spending a lot. I'm so confused with everything, and I'm feeling so much that I can't feel anything at all. It's like so many things are rushing through my head that it's empty. I am trying to find words to describe how I feel but there's nothing. I feel nothing right now. That's why I haven't been posting. I don't have anything to write about. Yeah, I got nothing.
So the other day I decided to cut my own bangs. I believe I posted about it. Well tonight I decided to actually do my hair. Style it and everything. When I first cut my bangs Dan said, "ok Emily" because he said I look like Emily Prentiss. Now after I've done my hair, I agree. I actually do look like her and I don't know how I feel about that. I never thought she was pretty. So I accidentally made myself look like someone who I don't think is attractive. So glad this is my life.
In other news, I'm questioning how I feel about the Chris situation. I don't know, that's the thing, I just don't know. I know I like the idea of him but I'm questioning what I like about him. I mean obviously there are things I like, but I feel like he thinks he's better than me. I'm sure that's not the case, but its just how I feel. It's like everything I say he corrects. It reminds me a lot of Ryan. Ryan use to do that. The thing was, though, that Ryan was an idiot. Part of the problem now is that Chris is smart and usually right and it makes me feel dumb. The funny thing about that is it's also what I've said I wanted. Look at Spencer Reid. He's a freakin genius and I'm in love with him. Maybe it's the attitude behind it. Spencer just spouts off facts. I almost feel like Chris laughs at me when he talks like sarcastically but still. Like, haha omg that makes no sense. I feel like I'm always defending myself and I don't like that feeling. I just don't know if it's in my head or reality.
Tonight I played Starcraft with him and his friend. It was fine but then he said he can't wait to play with this other person, babybee, again. Now to me that sounds like a chick name. He thinks its a guy. I know this because he referred to him as 'he'. What I take from that is I'm just a fill in. He's rather be playing with someone else, but I'm around so he'll play with me. I don't like the feeling of not being needed. It's something I've always struggled with. I know I should be fine with not being needed. The fact is no one ever needs anyone else. Everyone is replaceable. Knowing that I just feel like I don't matter. Like, you don't need me so why should I stay? Why do you even want me on your team? It's not like I'm good. But if I say that he will get mad at my negativity.
Sometimes I feel like I just can't win. Okay, correction, I always feel like I just can't win. Nothing I say is right. Why would he like me if all he does is correct me? I just don't know what to do. It could all be in my head. I wish I could just understand. I feel so stupid. That's probably part of the issue. I am sensitive to feeling dumb. I guess I just don't feel like we are equal. In all my other relationships since Matt I felt like I was better than the guy. Never equal. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's that we are equal and it's annoying to me, or maybe my first thought was right, and we aren't. I just don't know.
I'm wondering how much I even care, mainly because I wonder how much he even cares. I think the only reason I wonder that is because I don't see why he likes me. It's really my insecurities. But why does he like me? Personality wise, why? We had hardly spoke for a very long time, and he was willing to commit. I was really happy at the time, but now I wonder why. I don't think he'd do that for just anyone. He said he doesn't take commitments lightly.
It's one thing for Jason and I to be like, omg I like you, will you be my boyfriend? But this isn't like that and I'm not sure I fully understand what it is. I also don't want to say anything which is kind of an ironic situation. I don't want to say anything because I don't want to annoy him. He thinks my insecurities are annoying. He also wants me to ask him things and talk to him, but he would think it's annoying. Does he want me to annoy him? No, I doubt it. So what should I do?
The funny thing is that now my first thought is what would Emily Prentiss do? All of the sudden now that have the same hair as her, I care what she would do? Weird. Jenna wouldn't say anything. She also ended up ditching Matty because she didn't want to not be able to say anything.
Last night I told Chris about my weird fascination with blood and the human body. It didn't go well. He definitely thinks I'm a weirdo and a freak, and not in a good way. I regret telling him that but he would want me to. I feel like every time I divulge information it doesn't go as hoped. I can't impress him. He doesn't think the fact that I like spiders is cool he thinks it weird. It's similar to Jason not caring that I am a gamer.
I've just drawn back because I don't want to get hurt and I don't know how I feel or what to think. I need help figuring this relationship out. I am afraid if I turn to him he will see it as us having problems and that wouldn't be a good thing at all. I want him to like me, the real me but I'm afraid that he won't. I need to get over this fear and just take the risk. I need to just do it.
So last night Chris and I had an important conversation. I feel like we learned a lot about each other. I know I feel much better now that we've talked. I know more of what he wants. He said he isn't going to read my blog anymore. I guess he hasn't read it since I gave him the info and he doesn't plan on reading it either. I'm not entirely sure what I think of that. Mainly because Jake said the same exact thing. Jake was also immature. He said he only read it because he was getting worried about me. I don't know, he doesn't really matter so whatever.
Anyway, after our conversation I feel more confident that it will not end for some stupid reason. This isn't like the other losers. We won't break up for some silly reason. I trust him. I've never been able to honestly say that before. This time it's very different. He told me he gets annoyed with me when I say I'm scared. He says I shouldn't worry about if it goes wrong later because that will only damage it now, or something like that.
He says he doesn't want me to be shy with him. He wants me to be able to just tell him when I write here. I get so nervous I tend to be unable to do that. I tried to explain it but he doesn't like that about me, and I think he's right. I should be able to just tell him how I feel. He told me he use to be the same way, always afraid of saying the wrong thing. Basically he's been through the same thing.
In that conversation I realized I've been trained to be this way. Growing up one of Jehovah's Witnesses everything is about appearance. We are supposed to represent god and we wouldn't want to bring any reproach on his name. It's a constant thought, are my clothes too tight? shirt too low? skirt too short? and colors, if I wear black and red are people going to think I'm depressed? Probably. So I can't do that. Black nail polish is 'too harsh' for the ministry. Now lets talk about entertainment. Some people consider Twilight bad, so there goes all my twilight shirts and such. Can't bring up the movie because someone might say something bad about it and I could stumble them. Have to be careful with my jokes, people are sensitive. The words 'pissed' and 'sucks' are too bad for some people, can't say those too much. Going to the beach.. what swim suit should I wear? Well who's going? Is it all older people? Should I be very careful and wear a one piece? Or is it all young people who will be in bikinis? I wouldn't want to wear a one piece with a bunch of girls in bikinis, but I also wouldn't want to wear a bikini where I'd be judged endlessly by the older ones. Music? Have to be careful what my ringtone is. What band is on my shirt? If they swear or talk about drugs or sex that could stumble someone. Hair color? Yeah, even that matters... if I go any really bright color I'm 'looking for attention' and I wouldn't be fit for the ministry. Even combining black and blonde can be judged by some. It is 'too much'. What TV shows do I watch? Many people don't even have cable anymore because so much of it is 'rotten' so I have to be careful what show I talk about. Even thinking of all these things, I still manage to stumble people by something I do or say. My whole life this is what I've been trained to do. Now I'm trying to not worry about what I say and how people will take it and it's very very hard. It's like my whole life I've learned how to test people to see how far I can push it with them because if I say something too off they might label me 'bad association' and bad mouth me to people. When what you say carries that much of a risk, it's kind of normal and necessary to be very worried about what I say. That's becoming a problem with my relationship with Chris.
What kills me is that he's right. He's right about my worrying, he's right that I'm too negative, he's right that I'm too hard on myself. I wish I could tell him he's wrong and defend my actions but it's like, no, it's just another part of my disorder and another thing I need to work on fixing. Just when I'm feeling like I'm doing a million times better than I was before something new get's brought up and I realize how much farther I need to come. I just have so much I need to work on and I do want to change. My last blog was about not wanting to change for someone and being afraid that I would but maybe in this situation it's okay. Maybe he's worth changing for. Okay, I'm like 85% sure he is, maybe more... okay 95% but I'm staying there.
I guess my real bottom line issue is that I don't know what to do with this. For the first time I have something 'right' (ignoring the religion's view). Something with someone that I know isn't going to damage me. If I really think about it and all I've talked to my therapist, Allison, about I see that this is real. It's not just for now or for fun. He is actually committed to me. I've never really had that before. I just think about Bethenny and Jason. I haven't talked about them yet on this blog.
Bethenny Frankel is an amazing woman. I'm not going to go through her whole biography, if you wanna know, look her up. I will tell you though, it's a very inspiring story. The woman came from nothing. She had horrible parents. She decided to make it on her own and she did. Within one year she got married, had a baby and the drink she created got bought out by a new company for a TON of money. She created the 'skinny girl margarita'.
The point is that she has been on reality TV for years, starting on the real housewives of NYC, the first single woman ever to be on the show. My mother and I watched her from the beginning. When she met her husband, Jason, and he said he wanted to be with her, they were at a bar. I remember her just looking at him, and she started crying and said "why?". She went on to talk about everything that was wrong with her and he didn't care. He knew, and he loved her anyway. That's what I've always wanted. Someone to know all the bad and still love me. I don't want to have to hide it away, and the silly thing is it's not the really bad crazy things I'm hiding, it's the fact that I'm not perfect at video games, those are the things I'm hiding away. And again, he's right. It's stupid and immature of me to be shy about these things. I should be able to just be myself. I love that that's what he wants from me. He wants me to be me, not who he wants me to be. Another thing I always wanted. Now that I have all of it, I'm so scared of losing it. I need to calm down.
That's why I texted my meds doctor first thing this morning. I know I have social anxiety and he put me on prozac for it. We talked about going to 80mg but we stopped at 60mg. I decided to ask him if I could go up to 80 due to the fact that my social anxiety is worse now. He said it's fine to do right now, but he moved out next appointment to next week. Upping my prozac will take away enough of the anxiety so that it's not impossible for me to be forward about these things. Right now I just shut down. The goal is to work through it by feeling the anxiety and pushing through. Right now I can't push through at all. With this increase I may just be able to get over that huge issue I've been having in my relationships. I feel like this one has real potential to work.
I just broke Steve Ward's rule. I sent more than 3 texts without a reply... I don't like breaking his rules. I won't send a 5th. I really really won't. He will reply eventually. Right now I'm more concerned about going back in time to see what I wrote in my blogs that I would want him to know. I should tell him, but I put them here and didn't tell him for a reason. I'm shy. Like, last post for example.. it's not like I can just be like, hey, what's up, oh by the way, I like it rough so go crazy...
That doesn't really work. I have never been in this situation before. I need help.
Apparently me not having a strong opinion on things like what we should do is a serious problem that needs to be changed. I sound a little extreme but only because I'm annoyed. I'm just debating whether it's something I agree to change or not. As soon as a guy says he wants me to change anything about myself I flip. I've been able to keep the flipping out inside for the most part.
I just have my relationship with Matt in my head. I remember him saying, "oh you're one of THOSE girls?" or "I hate that, don't do it" over stupid things but I always listened. Like I remember when he got annoyed with me for liking a song that applied to my life. He was so controlling that I'm slightly paranoid that I will be in that place again. It's taken me a long time to find the small voice that I have in matters, I don't want to start doing everything Chris says and go back into being controlled.
I'm also not giving much of a choice on the other hand. I haven't really felt like this since Matt. Well a little with Mike but that was very different. The problem with them was they wanted my opinion but they would make me feel stupid if they didn't agree. It might be my insecurities making me sensitive around guys I like but I am afraid to say something wrong. Maybe I shouldn't be and it is a problem I need to work on.
I am so afraid I'll let myself change too much for someone again.
The funny thing is it's kind of the opposite of what he's doing. It's really ironic. He wants me to choose what I want to do but because he WANTS me to do it I feel like he wants to change me because I don't do it naturally. I'm afraid to be controlled so I'm fighting the change of me making choices in what we do... because him making all the choices isn't controlling... no.. him wanted me to change to start making choices is?
Looks like I just made the choice for myself.. ha! A choice made!
I guess I'm so use to just doing what other people want it feels off to me saying what I want. I remember being little and having my friends call me telling me I was too much of a brat and they weren't going to talk to me any more. I cried and cried until I could convince them I'd change. I was so bossy back then. I don't remember much from my childhood but people tell me insanely embarrassing stories of me trying to boss people around when I was like 5.
I've always been so afraid people won't like me if I speak up that I don't, and when I do I just blurt things out at random. It's bad. It's really really bad. And again I find myself in this place where I feel like I have so many things I need to change about myself that I should give up, but part of me wonders why I should have to change me at all, shouldn't I be looking for people who get me just the way I am?
Jenna is who she is and people love her for it. She tried to be what Matty wanted and she ended up just saying I'm done, or the new phrase for its over, 'take care'. Yeah, I was shocked by that one too. Since when is it like "OMG We got in a fight and she said 'take care' I really screwed up". Guess I missed that memo. Anyway, the point is that the fact that she didn't care what people thought was what Jake and Matty liked about her and that's why she could choose. On the other hand, she always agreed with what Matty said and that's why she ended up telling him to 'take care' and picking his best friend. She never told him when things weren't okay with her. I tend to do that. When he said he didn't want to be in a relationship he asked if she was cool with it, she said, yeah that's fine, then her voice in her head said, no, that isn't fine. That's so something I would do, scratch that, it's something I do all the freakin time.
For me it just seems easier to go along with what other people want then try to change the plans, or even help create them. I remember all those times talking to Crystal and Jed making plans, I would say a peep and they would just shoot me down. No one ever liked my ideas so why keep saying them?
Back to my people that I turn to both fictional and real, Steve Ward is next. He would tell me that it is a problem. He would say I need a voice if I want a relationship. He would tell me I need to be more vocal and say what I want. He's probably throw a rule at me. He would probably say not to agree with everything when it's not okay. He would tell me to make choices.
But I just don't seem to have an opinion. I don't know which is worse, not having one, or not voicing it. I'm asked what I feel like having for lunch and I turn into a deer in headlights. Like, "uhhhhh I don't know, uhh what do you want?" Even when I try to think of something, nothing comes out. But if my mom asked me, what do you want for dinner, I'd say, what are my options, and let's just say she said fast food, I'd have an answer instantly. Right now I'd want Wendy's spicy chicken sandwich. Why can't I say that with Chris? I don't know.
Aside from food, I usually do have an opinion of what I want to do, I just don't speak it. The first time we watched a movie, my mind was totally stuck on 1408 and I said like, oh whatever you want to watch, and we watched 28 days later. I still am in the mood to see 1408. I also want to watch the grudge(s) again. I know they will freak me out and I LOVE it. I remember being with Amanda watching grudge 2 and we left because it was too demonic. Part of me wants to try again. I know it's a horrible idea and the thought of it almost makes me cry it's just... it's so scary.. I know how horrible it is and how those things can really happen and if it really happened I wouldn't be able to handle it, and watching those things on TV and in movies opens yourself up to the demons, but like, most Japanese horror movies are about revenge. I watched Shutter and I forgot how freakin awesome Japanese horror is. It kind of makes me want to go back and watch all those movies that I said forget it to because they were R or might be bad. I don't know if he likes scary movies though. I kinda wanna watch the ring and the ring 2 again. I know the ring 2 really bothered me. If I know they are bad and will bother my conscience why watch them? I guess my whole self destruction behaviors like cutting and picking continue into my movie preferences. It is just like cutting.. it hurts but it hurts soo good. These movies freak me out, but its soooo good.
Anyway, back to the issue at hand. The other thing is there are things I'd want to change about him too. I hate that he doesn't watch movies over and over. I love movie quote fights. I really really really do. I quote movies all the time. The title of this blog is from Twilight Eclipse. Jane says it when deciding whether to end the new born army or let them kill the Cullens. I believe it's said like this, "we could allow them to do what they were created for, or we can end them" -sigh- "decisions, decisions". I could go on and on from quotes from all different movies.. I just love it. I could sit here all day remembering quotes. Most quoteable movies? Donnie Darko, Ever After, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, 10 Things I Hate About You.. those are off the top of my head. Really anything can be quoteable. OMG Criminal Minds quotes... omfg I effin love Spencer Reid. I could read his quote all freakin day. That man is my hero.
Again I got off topic. I tend to do that a lot. I guess it just comes down to me being overly insecure. I don't want to feel embarrassed because I say the wrong thing so I say nothing. I don't like doing what I want all the time, but apparently neither does he. How often do I have to say what I want? I don't like this. I don't like this at all.
Now after that conversation he isn't replying to my texts. I hope he's not like, mad at me. I hate when my boyfriend is mad at me. Earlier though I was mad at him for the same thing but that was before I started blogging endlessly about why I have this issue and realized that it's completely ironic and he's right. Now I'm just like, -puppy pout-, like you're not mad, are you? -whimper-
I am proud of myself that I didn't freak out on him though. I did that to Mike a few times. I started going off about how I won't change for anyone. I almost did that tonight but I decided to think about it first and decide what to do before I react. It worked out very well.
It would really really suck if he read this. Last time I didn't think about my boyfriend reading my blog he dumped me.. then again that's because I was talking about how much I liked Chris, well it started with Anthony, who looks just like Chris, so it turned into being about Chris rather quickly. Don't get me wrong, Anthony is great.. he even thinks my spider is cool! But I also kinda think it's cute that Chris is afraid of bugs. It makes me giggle like a little girl for some reason. Kinda like when he tries to annoy me by like poking me and stuff, it's annoying but in the cutest way ever. And I still have anxiety over that last paragraph. But I won't take it back, the point of blogging is to be totally honest and not shy. This is my diary. Right? It's the point?
I'm thinking maybe we need to up my prozac. It helps with social anxiety and I think that's why I won't pick things and such. When we upped it before it helped. I was able to do things like salsa night and such. We always talked about going up to 80mg and I'm at 60mg. Maybe I'll mention it next time I see him. I almost feel like texting the doc right now.. well scheduling a text to go out tomorrow asking if I can up that dose. I know he'd be fine with it. I'm just so tempted to take one extra pill a night.. just one... and I'd be up to 80mg... BAD DRI. That would be considered overdosing because it's taking more than prescribed.
Okay I'm going to turn my comp off before I change my mind =P DRI OUT
We found out today that we are moving out on Monday and moving into the new place on Tuesday. This gives me one more day to pack everything up since I'm supposed to spend Sunday with Chris. My parents are all stressed out as usual. It's shocking that the one with the anxiety disorder is the calmest of us all. My plan is to throw everything in a box and go. They say that's their plan too but they are trippin and there's no reason to be. I mean, yeah we still have a lot to do, but freaking out isn't going to get it done any faster.
It reminds me of when we found out we might have lost our new house. In their minds it was gone. They were both crying on the floor hysterical, and I went in my room, shut the door, sent out a mass text looking for help, and when they finally picked themselves off the floor I was able to just give them names of people to call. We got everything done. I was the only one who didn't freak out. It's strange because usually I'd be the first to freak but I seem to have been calm in the moving situation. I guess I just had faith that it would work out which is also strange since I've lost everything spiritually.
Let me explain that a bit because it's kind of confusing. I do ask that anyone who reads this, please don't post against my religion, it will offend me. Even though I'm in the middle and struggling it is what I believe, the question is whether or not I can live up to it. The way me beliefs work is that you are given the holy spirit if you give something for god to bless, Prayer to god is a privilege, and becoming baptized is a vow to god much like a marriage. That all being said, when you sin seriously you lose the holy spirit and the ability to have god hear your prayers. I mean, I've sinned against him knowing what I was doing was bad and what it meant. Because of this, I lost privileges such as prayer and holy spirit. Even though I haven't spoken to anyone in the congregation to literally punish me publicly, which will happen eventually, I know that god knows and it already putting those things into effect. So the question becomes, why do I have faith that he will take care of my family and I when I deserve nothing at the time? Why do I feel like everything will work out? I have nothing helping me.
I just feel so lost, and even more so I feel scared. I wish I knew what Chris was thinking about me, about us. Because of the way I am I have a hard time realizing what's normal and what's not. I get over emotional and take things too fast in my mind. I lost track of how things actually are. I'm trying to keep myself in the moment more, but I question myself a lot because I know what I tend to do.
The title says it all. I have that feeling where my heart dropped into my tummy, and I feel like I'm in a tunnel.
There is just so much going on right now, I feel like I can't handle it. I'm so emotional right now, I want to curl up in a ball and die. I don't understand how people handle life, I really don't. I'm always a mess. I can't handle anything.
My father did know that those checks he was getting were for my therapist and he cashed them anyway. On top of that what he wanted was to 'try getting to know me again'. He said he's making changes in his life. Do those changes include stealing $1400 from my therapist? The last check was cashed last month. The thing is, I still have that part of me that wants to make it work with him.
On top of all that I just found out I might not get to see Chris on Wednesday because some of his friends want to hang out. I'm like, fine with that, but my jealousy stings a little. I'm just really really afraid to move. What if I don't get my license right away and I don't get to see him? I don't want him to end it because I don't drive. I'm really scared and I don't know what to do. My mom is nagging me because she said it's a long trip for a new driver to make.
I don't know what to do. I just sit here and stare at nothing and cry. I've tried playing all my different games. I end up just exiting because I don't care. I don't want to do anything. I hate when I get depressed like this. It's really really debilitating. I don't want to sleep, I don't want to play games, I don't want to eat, I just want to die. That's not going to solve any of my problems. In fact, I need to get up and do something. I need to go get my permit then my license. I wish I didn't have to deal with all the in between stuff. I wish I could just retake the license test because I know I can pass it. Part of me wants to say screw it and just drive on my own but I know that's not really an option.
The thing is I know what the hour long ride to see a boyfriend is like. I did it all the time with Crystal. Back and forth to and from his house 2+ times a day on the weekend. I did it with her every weekend for 6+ months. I know it's different actually driving it, but I do know to a degree what it will be like. Things were different for her though because he didn't work and he was never really busy with anything, then again, right now I don't work and I'm not really busy with anything. I will be though. I'm just really scared.
Part of me wonders if I should let my father back into my life simply so I have some family to be supportive of my relationship with Chris. Even if I got DFed my father is DFed and such. I would still have him, Kelly, and Renae. I don't know what that life would be like though. In my mind I only see the good, but I know there will be bad. I know it. I want to believe it will be better, but I know it won't be. Can I really not try though? I say I'm done every time, but I don't want to be. I want to have a good relationship.
I don't know what's bothering me more, the Chris thing or my father thing. Both seem like giant problems. Maybe I shouldn't be so emotional about Chris. I don't know how to control emotions, I never did.
It's when things are like this and it seems nothing is going for me that I feel like just giving up. I know this feeling is temporary, but it feels like its the end of the world. I freakin hate depression.
Something just hit me. I know exactly what I want to do right now. I want to drive off and disappear like Mike does. Just go to a beach, or sit on some rocks and just think. I always thought he was so weird for doing that but now I totally get it. The idea of just sitting on a rock listening to the water and looking at the stars like we use to just seems wonderful. I would love to do that right now, but alone. I have this crazy thought in my mind of just want it would be like to sleep on the beach one night, or go to Paul Dever and sleep in a random spot. I know it sounds insane, but something about the idea is just peaceful. If I felt like I could handle myself and defend myself if I needed to I would probably do it. Unfortunately though, I'm a 103lb 5' tall girl. I have no defense if someone tried to hurt me. I just want to disappear for awhile with no interruptions.
I took the pill THATA CAN MAKE MME HI AND i feeel liek i sohuld poasst becxause of the way thata i feel riught niow. i donmt
thers somethjinh i ddthers something i did to lose severyone. i told renee that i didnt think they should get married yet
on the tripat the rtimen withnm n ]tower and jned joke about pushing me over and i had pankik attackg
i was coil; the whole time and really frustrated with the way elon and jed acted, they were being immature
thatrs was then perobl threre i guessvfgg
My father sent me a message on facebook. I just read it. He wants me to call him, he said it's important. I'm freaking out. It could be about anything. It could be that he was getting those insurance checks, but I doubt he'd call about that. He might have gotten something in the mail about my surgery, but I don't see how that would be 'important'. He might be getting married, but I want no part in that. No matter what it is, I know it can't be good. Every time anything makes me happy in life he comes around again.
I've been trying for months to just let go of the fact that I will never have a relationship with him. I've been coming to grips with it and accepting that. Every time I think I'm ok, something else happens. I can't handle this emotionally. No matter what he says it's going to be really really bad. Being reminded he exists alone is horrible. Now I'm nauseous, I'm shaking, I can't breathe. I'm going to have to really drug up tonight because I know I'll have nightmares if I fall asleep.
Why can't I just move on from anything? Every time I start moving forward the past comes up. I've been telling myself that I won't have to deal with 'those people' ever again but I think I might have to. I know I have to. I am going to have to call my father tomorrow.
I have this reoccurring nightmare of me just screaming at members of that family. Yelling at them for all the things they've done, calling them out on it, and part of me wants to do that so badly. I want to call him out, but he will call me out too. The difference is I'm about to be 21, my whole life has been growing and learning from mistakes. There are plenty of things he could throw in my face. I can't defend stupid mistakes I made when I was younger, I was a kid, or a teen. It's not a fair fight.
Maybe he's right, maybe his whole family is right. Maybe I'm just a horrible person and I don't deserve to be happy. Maybe that's why everyone leaves me. I can't win. I'm destroyed. There's like, nothing left. I'm screwed up so much as it is. I'm trying to repair the damage they have already done and they keep adding more. I need to talk to Allison before I call him. I can't do it alone.
The other thing is I need to record it. I have to find a way to record the conversation. I'm so sick of he-said-she-said.
Last night I got this random text from Jason saying that he is really sorry for how things ended and it hurt him so much. He said he loved me and he was wrong. I was very shocked. Obviously I don't care about him at all. I got the feeling he was hoping to pick back up where we left off but that's not going to happen. Maybe if I were really really lonely I'd consider. Now I have this constant thing in my head comparing the things Jason and I had in common to the things Chris and I have in common.
Speaking of which, today was a good day. I've come to the realization that I am not fully comfortable with Chris yet. I don't know what to do with him lol. I'm so use to just letting the guy pick what he wants to do. I just want to know what he wants all the time because that's what I'm use to. I always go along with whatever my guy wants and it just works that way. He won't tell me though. I try to read him but I can't and it's really scary. I don't know what he wants, so how can I give it to him? I can't figure him out so I end up doing nothing and hoping it works out. I mean, I'm known for being a people pleaser. Tell me what you want and I'll do it. I don't know what to do with someone who doesn't say what they want to do. It's always, what do you feel like eating? What do you want to watch? I'm sorry, when you put 300 dvds in front of me and I saw 5 or 6 that I had wanted to see and you say no they are horrible that's the end of me being decisive because I'm pretty sure you don't want to watch twilight with me, so don't ask me what I want to watch, lets decide together. Food? Sorry, I'm not prego, I don't have cravings 24/7 so what do I feel like having... I don't know... I will find something I want to eat where ever you want to go, so just go... I don't understand why he has to stare at me for an hour trying to make me pick something. And he makes me feel bad about it.
Right now I kinda just want to curl up in a ball and die of embarrassment.
Now I'm scared to bust out and start doing stuff. I just have to feel more comfortable and more confident with him, but I don't know how. Every time I don't I feel more awkward trying next time. And I don't know how to handle this feeling so I feel like I should give up. I should run away and not deal with the issue anymore. Go find someone who is mean and I won't have to worry about what he wants, he will just do everything and I won't have any choices. I don't really understand my other options, and I don't want that at all. I want to be where I am right now but I don't want to suck at it.
Previous PostsCatch up... because yes... it's been awhile, posted May 9th, 2013
It's been awhile..... yeah I'm getting sick of this title too, posted March 26th, 2013
Sabi In love with Me?, posted January 23rd, 2013
Dreams Suck, posted January 22nd, 2013
Been a long time... again, posted January 11th, 2013
Is Sabi trying to get rid of me?!, posted July 16th, 2012
Sabi?!, posted July 15th, 2012
Jake? Alex. Jake?, posted July 6th, 2012
Jason?, posted March 3rd, 2012
Long Long Time, posted February 26th, 2012, 1 comment
I'm awesome..... right?, posted December 19th, 2011
Feeling so much, I feel nothing, posted November 25th, 2011
Emily Prentiss, posted November 11th, 2011
SkinnyGirl, posted November 8th, 2011
desissions desissions, posted November 6th, 2011
What do I think?, posted November 5th, 2011
='(, posted October 31st, 2011, 1 comment
Medicaded blog, posted October 31st, 2011
Am I horrible?, posted October 30th, 2011, 1 comment
Tell me what you want!, posted October 29th, 2011
Guilt, Revenge, and Regret, posted October 26th, 2011, 1 comment
The pearl from Vegas, posted October 25th, 2011
Why? I don't know why., posted October 24th, 2011
DTR >> FWB?, posted October 20th, 2011
? ? ?, posted October 12th, 2011
The fake laughing game., posted October 9th, 2011, 2 comments
Don't wanna be torn., posted October 8th, 2011
50/50, posted October 8th, 2011
No phone, No life!, posted October 7th, 2011
Round and Round Again, posted October 4th, 2011
Every Part of Me, posted September 28th, 2011
My Life, posted September 28th, 2011
Secrets, Lies and Colors, posted July 6th, 2011
Scratch That!, posted July 3rd, 2011
The basics, posted April 5th, 2011
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